Friday, April 06, 2012

Brainstorming for Santorum

High-profile "conservatives" think that Rick Santorum is losing because he hasn't been bold enough.  Strategist Richard Viguerie told ABC's Michael Falcone that supporters recently met with Santorum to "come up with a list of  'big bold ideas to grab control of the narrative and turn the campaign around.'”

Being of a bold nature, I want to help! After a visit to ricksantorum.com, I am bursting with ideas. My efflorescence (effluvia?) below.

Strengthen families
  • Institute an individual mandate requiring heterosexual marriage for all adults over 30.

  •  Provide tax breaks for regular church attendance. 

  • Present every American newborn with a Bible, a drill and a gun (alternative: make the presentation as soon as conception is confirmed).

  • Launch a real War on Pornography; authorize and train Citizens' Watch Groups to mine data captured by the NSA, and arm and empower them to arrest their offending neighbors.
Strengthen education 
  • Provide every home-schooling parent with a salary and benefits comparable to those procured for teachers by the local teacher's union.

  • Revamp school curricula to ensure that no learning material implies that the United States government, people or armed forces ever committed an unselfish, immoral or imprudent act.

Strengthen our economy
  • Cut all taxes for corporations and individuals earning over $50k by three quarters; reduce existing domestic discretionary spending by four fifths; create new funding streams to endow newborns (or unborns and compensate home-teachers, per above.

  • Wire the Federal Reserve to provide shock therapy to the Fed Chairman every time he makes a move to relieve unemployment.

  • Restore our manufacturing: put all Americans to work in the defense industry (see below)
Strengthen our strength
  • Declare simultaneous war on Iran and Syria while reintroducing U.S. troops into Iraq, doubling down in Afghanistan, and restoring Mubarak to power in Egypt.

  • Unapologize to the families of Afghans murdered or urinated on by American troops.

  • Recognizing that "those who wish to destroy America do so because they hate everything we are," find the strength to hate them right back.
There it is -- a pilgrim's progress to the presidency. You're welcome, Santorumistas!

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